Taking the "Vrittis" Out of Parenting
Oh she’s crying again! I just got her to sleep an hour ago. I don’t want to get up again! What am I doing wrong? I’m sure it’s because I didn’t hold her enough today. Or maybe she has a food allergy. I don’t even know how to figure that out. I’m such an incompetent parent. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m never going to have a full night of sleep again. Why did I sign up for this…?
Have you ever experienced a thought pattern like this as a parent? With three kids who were not classified as “good sleepers” when they were little, I certainly have-- countless times! And many, many other wandering, judgmental thoughts-- on all subjects, not just parenting. These “fluctuations of the mind,” known as “vrittis,” are part of the human experience. Patanjali introduces vrittis in the second Sutra:
1.2 Yogas citta-vritti-nirodha
Commonly translated as “Yoga is the cessation of the whirlwinds of the mind,” and regarded as the definition of the practice of yoga, many practitioners understand this to mean the clearing of the mind. For most of us living normal modern lives, this seems like an untenable goal. I certainly cannot seem to get my mind to shut up no matter how hard I try!
In his book Inside Patanjali’s Words, the Reverend Jaganath Carrera offers this translation: “Yoga ends the misperception that the Seer/Self is the same as the mind’s usual tangle of whirling excursions of thought (vrittis).” In other words, we are not our thoughts. The job of the mind is to process thoughts, much the same way the job of the heart is to pump blood through the body. The practice of yoga allows us to detach from these thoughts, rather than getting caught up in our own story. This definition is much more accessible for us “regular people,” allowing us to be aware of our thoughts and practice discriminative discernment. The baby crying in the middle of the night then becomes an opportunity for practice:
Oh she’s crying again! I just got her to sleep an hour ago. I don’t want to get up again! What am I doing wrong? Oh…there’s those vrittis again. I just need to get her back to sleep. I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m just tired and my mind is doing what it does. So tired. I’ll never sleep again! Nope. Just vrittis… Not going there. (Rinse and repeat.)
After all these years of practice, I will admit that my mind doesn’t seem to be much quieter. However, the mental noise just doesn’t bother me like it used to. I recognize the vrittis for what they are and I’m able to detach from them, which means they don’t have the same power over my emotions or my feelings of self-worth. The more I practice, the easier and more automatic it becomes. I don’t find myself tumbling down a destructive path of negative thinking. Instead, I’m able to see the situation for what it is, note what’s true (the baby is crying), take care of business (I need to pick her up and help her get back to sleep), and move on to the next moment without emotional baggage. Noting the vrittis helps me to stay on task and make more mental space to deal with each issue in the moment. It does take practice, but in the long run, it saves so much mental and emotional energy and allows room for joy in the mundane.
With my youngest about to turn 12, I’m obviously no longer dealing with crying babies in the night, but parenting still brings plenty of opportunities to practice detaching from vrittis. It would be so lovely if my kids always got along with each other, followed the house rules, and addressed all of their responsibilities without being asked. But that’s just not reality. But the stories the mind wants to tell are generally not reality, either.
When I’m faced with a teenager playing online while neglecting chores (Every. Single. Day.), like any parent, my mind starts in:
He doesn’t respect me at all. If he respected me, he’d take care of his business and get my permission before using the computer. He only cares about screens. His brain is rotting and he will never be able to clean up after himself/hold a job/have a real life. I need to fix this before he throws his life away….
And before it goes any further, I chuckle to myself and label the mental busyness: Vrittis! Then I pause and ask myself, “Are these thoughts I am having true?” The study and practice of the Sutras keeps me in a calm, non-reactive place– the best place to be when faced with the inevitable challenges of parenting. Through discriminative discernment comes clarity and I realize my mind is simply reacting to the situation. I can pause and remember what it was like to be his age (I resisted chores, too), find compassion, then respond in a way that resets our boundaries without turning things into drama. Well, at least there’s no drama for me, as the practice brings non-attachment to outcome. The world doesn’t implode if his room is a mess, or if he throws a fit about the boundaries I set. Life goes on. My kids haven’t practiced these skills yet and definitely get caught up in their own mental whirlwinds, but I feel good knowing I am modeling a way of being that brings peace, joy, and ease.
Of course, like any human, I definitely have moments in which I stray from my practice. If I’m exhausted or hungry, or we’re dealing with the same issue for the hundredth time, I’m more likely to lose my cool with the kids or simply go down the rabbit hole of painful vrittis. But the wonderful thing about this practice is it has taught me compassion for myself, not just for my kids. There will always be more opportunities for practice and each opportunity brings a little more proficiency. I’ve been at this parenting thing for 21 years and this Sutra study for about half of that, becoming more and more committed to the practice with each passing year. The rewards are slow and steady, but I am now at a place where I can attest to how great they have been-- in my parenting and life in general. Committing to the practice is absolutely worth it!