Make the Holidays Easier with These Pro Tips!
Being a mom, particularly during pregnancy and the first few years is challenging enough on its own- adding the hustle and bustle of the holiday season can push us over the edge! The magic and joy of the season easily gets lost under the extra stress most moms feel at this time of the year. Here are a few tips to reduce the stress and increase the joy this holiday season.
1. Only take on the tasks you truly love. We often do things during the holidays out of routine or expectations of others. Take a look at each item on your holiday to-do list. Is it something you enjoy or something that you barely tolerate? If you love baking, go ahead and go crazy in the kitchen, but if you are spending hours creating the perfect desserts merely because you think you’ll let your friends or co-workers down if you don’t pass out goodies, then skip it! Putting up decorations, sending holiday cards, pictures with Santa, shopping, attending a myriad of events...pick the things you love and forget the rest. And for the stuff you have mixed feelings about, be mindful about how you really feel and act accordingly. You love your work’s holiday party, but you hate shopping for a new dress- borrow something from a friend or resurrect something from the depths of your closet. You love hosting a visit with your in-laws, but you hate cooking- order a meal from Whole Foods or make it a potluck. When you are in touch with your feelings, you can be authentic in how you approach things- better for you and everyone around you.
2. Outsource! Let’s be realistic- sometimes there are holiday chores that need to happen for a myriad of (often complicated) reasons. It’s not always easy to let go of everything that doesn’t bring you joy. For the things that missed the “holiday tasks I truly love” list that are still absolute musts, take advantage of services that can do them for you. You can outsource grocery shopping, cooking, childcare, shopping for gifts, gift wrapping, house cleaning, and even hanging up holiday lights! Asking your local friends for referrals is a great place to start to find someone who can help. High school and college students can be a great source of help on those one-off jobs, too. No luck there? TaskRabbit can connect you with “Taskers” who can help with just about any household job you can think of.
If you are partnered, don’t hesitate to delegate. A recent study conducted by Arizona State University showed that 90% of partnered mothers felt solely responsible for the domestic workload and were suffering emotionally as a result. Get in the habit of holding your partner accountable for this workload, especially during the busy holiday season. A good friend recently called Fair Play by Eve Rodsky a “book you must read this minute...It is honestly for me one of those things where you should stop whatever you are doing and read it now. ;) I am getting a sitter and reviewing the cards with my husband this weekend.” Guess what I am doing as soon as I post this blog...
3. Set boundaries with extended family and friends. Once you figure out what will bring you joy and what is too stressful to be worth the hassle, let your friends and family know, kindly and respectfully, of course. It may be as simple as, “I wish we could be there at 2:00, but that’s right in the middle of Baby’s nap. I hope you don’t mind if we come over as soon as she wakes” or “a day of shopping is just not going to work for me this year- being on my feet in crowds is more than my pregnant body can handle.”
Sometimes creating boundaries, particularly around how you raise your children, can create conflict with well-intentioned family members. State your needs with as little emotion as possible and without inviting discussion. Practice while you are pregnant- the sooner you set boundaries, the more likely the people in your life will take them seriously. And when it comes to what is given to your children- be it excessive gifts, junk food, or even just the bad jokes that Uncle Larry tells, remember YOU are the one that has to deal with the aftermath. Sometimes simply telling Larry, “Junior just loves telling jokes- he’ll be calling you at 5:00am on Saturday morning for more” will get your point across.
Keep in mind, during the first few years of parenting, you may not completely understand your own boundaries. Remind your loved ones you are working on figuring it out and you appreciate their support. Perhaps you look forward to visiting multiple relatives over the course of just a couple of days as you have done your whole adult life. Ahead of time, it feels doable with baby in tow, but if you get there and realize you bit off more than you can chew, don’t feel bad leaving early or asking for help to make the visit easier. Each year you will have a better idea of what the experience is like when you are caring for a tiny human and it will be easier to understand and express your own needs.
4. Expect kids to be crazy/upset/difficult. Holiday parties and events mean mass amounts of sugar, travel, late nights or skipped naps, and a departure from the routine that little ones are used to. Yet, adults often expect children to show up, smile, and act like the kids in the Hallmark holiday movies. Just like adults, kids have bad days even when the conditions are perfect- so why do we get angry or disappointed when they can’t handle these especially challenging situations? Give your kids the benefit of the doubt- they are not trying to ruin your holiday. They are just telling you they can’t handle the situation in the only way they know how- acting like, well, children.
Consider the first tip- only do the things you love- from your child’s perspective. They may not love dressing up in uncomfortable clothes and sitting through church, or going to Grandma’s where there are lots of pretty things they are not allowed to touch, or waiting for what seems like an eternity to see Santa. But unlike adults, they are too little to be self-aware about these things and even if they were, they may not have a choice on the matter anyway. Anticipate a less than favorable reaction to the holiday festivities (even if they are kid-centric) and allow your child the space to express their needs without shaming them for it. The dreadful moment will pass, but the connection you create when you hold the space for your little one will remain. And don’t worry about what friends and family think- creating connection with your child takes priority over their whims and judgments.
5. Mindfulness. Yep, it’s my solution for everything- because it works! Whether you find yourself in the midst of an awkward situation with the in-laws, a crowded shopping mall at the end of a long day, or stuck in traffic with a crying baby, taking a deep breath and feeling your feet will help ground you so you can keep your cool despite the stress. Remember: everything is temporary- the wonderful moments as well as the challenging ones, so allow yourself to be present. It’s the best gift you can give yourself and your family this holiday season. In addition, cultivating a daily practice of just a few minutes of seated mindfulness meditation has been shown to have exponential benefits. If you are not already practicing, it’s a great time to start!
For the 19th year (20th if you count my first pregnancy), I will be practicing the above tips to get through my least favorite time of the year. It took me quite a few years of practice to figure this out and get it right, but it was worth it in the long run- my holiday season has vastly improved since the early 2000’s. May these ideas make your season be merry and bright.